Habemus Papam

by Helmuth W. Mommers

Translated by Mike Mitchell

 

Our aim is, with God’s help, to transform the earth, and then the rest of the universe, into one huge sacristy.’

(Pope Pius XIV)

‘… and once more the whole of Roman Catholic Christendom is looking up in hope to the heavens, fervently awaiting the glad tidings that a new pope has been elected. And as so often in these troubled days since the Holy Father Benedict XVII was called to the Almighty, to the Creator of the universe, to the Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost, since the one hundred and seventy-nine members of the College of Cardinals gathered here in the Vatican … for the twenty-eighth time our hearts are filled with concern that black smoke, not white, will rise from the chimney. In this moment tens of thousands of the faithful here in St Peter’s Square, hundreds of millions all round the world and countless millions of souls, human and non-human, among the distant stars are following what may well be the most significant election in the nearly three thousand years of the Church’s history. And all are praying the Lord will inspire the College and they will decide on a new spiritual leader …’

The reporter’s last words were swallowed up in a general muttering which he tried to drown out with a hysterical ‘Smoke! I can see …’, immediately followed by an exclamation of disappointment and the words, ‘black smoke.’

He swallowed audibly, then went on, ‘Another day, listeners and viewers, and another cross to bear. But we must not give way to despair, we must put our trust in Divine Providence, which will guide the cardinals to a wise decision. We must see what tomorrow will bring, in the morning, or in the afternoon. And if not tomorrow, then the day after tomorrow or some other day.’

At this point the reporter’s worried tones gave way to a brash outburst: ‘UNN — always there with the latest news, pictures and background reports. Stay with us. For those who have been unable to join us before, there is a brief summary of events since the death of the Holy Father, immediately followed at 8.15 by a round-table discussion. Tonight’s subject is: ‘Does God have physical form?’ We want to hear what you think. With that I hand over to Cossita O’Leary. Merkurius Mannheimer in the Vatican.’

October 14 2866. Pope Benedict XVII, born in 2687 as Fernão Alvares da Silvas in a favela of São Paulo, USSA, died, after a short but painful illness, of a brain tumor which even the latest nanomedicine was unable to cure. Unlike ordinary mortals there was no question of a personality transfer to an electronic medium. His mortal remains could have survived another hundred years, thanks to organ clonation. Humbly he obeyed the Lord’s call.

The Papal courier service swiftly carried the news of his death to the most distant corners of human habitation, as well as to other worlds that had been converted. All the cardinals, whether entitled to vote or not, were summoned immediately to Terra — unless prevented by illness — to attend the nine days of requiem masses for His Holiness followed by his entombment in the Basilica. Suitable lodgings were provided within the Vatican in the Domus Sanctae Martha, special attention being paid to the needs of extraterrestrial members of the College. At the same time The Sixtine Chapel, where the election was to take place, was fitted out with all necessary life support equipment and a team of doctors from the Sector General Hospital[1] was put on call.

Before the two weeks allowed for travel were up, all one hundred and eighty-one cardinals entitled to vote had arrived — apart from two whose physical condition did not permit a transfer via Stargate. There were a further twenty-three whose senile dementia precluded them from voting. They were allotted the honorable task of praying to the Holy Ghost to grant their brothers the necessary enlightenment.

By this time the pontifex maximus of the Universal Holy Roman Church was lying in state in the Vatican Basilica. Every day thousands upon thousands of the faithful came to view the embalmed corpse, following which they visited the multimedia show in the Holocrypt in order to see His Holiness at work again, almost as he was in the flesh.

More than anyone else, Pontifex Maximus Benedict XVII had been responsible for the reform of the Apostolic Church. The following brief review will illustrate this:

During the time of his predecessor, Pope Pius XIV, humanity had already started to set up colonies in adjacent parts of the universe and to send missions to alien civilizations, in the spirit of the universal teaching of a universal church. In those years the sole vehicles available were spaceships which traveled the immense distances with a combination of conventional drive units and hyperspace transfers. These spaceships were driven by robots, so humanity’s first ambassadors were robots, both the diplomats and the missionaries, ministering spirits, so to speak. Androids in the likeness of man. And therefore of God.

Although these distant bastions of the one true faith made it necessary to appoint cardinals from among the settlers, adaptants, hominids and aliens, a codex to canon law denied them the right to take part in the election of the pope. They could never have reached the Vatican, or any other appointed place, in time to participate in elections. And they were held in conditions of strictest secrecy, which naturally ruled out voting over the hyperspace communications network. That seemed to have solved the problem of an alien one day appearing as a candidate. Until — well, until stargates were developed.

This technology arrived too late for the election of the successor to Pius XIV. It was Pope Benedict XVII who made a revolutionary decision in his new Apostolic Constitution, Universis Dominici Gregis, of 2780 which reflected the universal character of the Church. By virtue of his office, which gives the pope the power, taking account of the way times have changed, to determine the manner in which his successor is appointed, he decreed that in future the College of Cardinals should consist of cardinals from all the worlds, all races and all life forms. Nothing, he declared, could better express the universal character of the Church.

There had already been women priests for centuries — and women bishops and cardinals. Settlers in other worlds, so-called adaptants, had adapted to the physical conditions obtaining there, but had not for that lost their humanity. And aliens, once converted, baptized and welcomed into the flock, were their equal in every way. Were they not all children of God?

That left the question of beings with artificial intelligence. As early as the twenty-second century they had been granted human rights, but the Roman Catholic Church had problems accepting they had souls. Only decades later, after they had been deployed as servers, preachers and missionaries, were they granted the grace of possessing souls. From that point on they carried the message of the One Universal Church to the most inhospitable regions of the universe.

So they, too, were God’s creatures. After all, what was there to distinguish them from cyborgs, artificial creatures imprinted with the personality patterns of people who had died — whose souls God had ipso facto not yet called to His bosom?

Thus it was thanks to His Holiness Pope Benedict XVII that all forms of intelligence — human or non-human, organic or mechanical — became potential candidates for election as Bishop of Rome.

It was not surprising that this aroused strong disagreement among the clerisy and heated reactions from some of the laity. It would be an outrage, was the popular view, if an alien were to be elected the new pope. And as for a robot — the very idea! It would be bad enough if it was the first Popess wearing the tiara.

That was the general opinion wherever humans had settled, in contrast to those star worlds which had converted to Catholicism in the firm belief that the Son of God had only taken on the form of Jesus Christ to beg the grace of forgiveness symbolically for all beings. Who could blame them if they wanted God the Father, His Son and the Holy Ghost for their own?

But emotions, political or economic considerations, pressure from the media and personal likes or dislikes had no place in the venerable institution of the Conclave. In making their choice all the cardinals were guided solely by the thought of God and concern for the welfare of the souls in their care.

How difficult this was could be seen from the black smoke coming out of the chimney for the twenty-eighth time.

The praying became even more fervent — inside and outside.

‘Now you can put your questions to our panel of experts,’ the presenter announced in genial tones. ‘All our communication networks are open and fully integrated, ready for your call.’ He beamed expectantly. ‘Off we go, then. Who’s first?’

VIEWER: ‘What will happen if a pope still hasn’t been chosen after the next two rounds?’

EXPERT: ‘The cardinals will discuss the general principles of the election and decide how to proceed. For example, whether to stick to a two-thirds majority or go for a simple majority.’

VIEWER: ‘What happens if there’s a tie?’

EXPERT: ‘A tie is impossible. There are a hundred and seventy-nine cardinals present entitled to vote. Abstentions are not allowed.’

VIEWER: ‘Does that mean our cardinals could be outvoted?’

PRESENTER: ‘What do you mean?’

VIEWER: ‘Well, couldn’t the others gang up on ours, flex their muscles a bit? After all, they’re in the majority.’

PRESENTER: ‘Just to make things clear for our viewers: there are eighty-nine men, thirty-two women, fifty-four aliens and four robots, a hundred and seventy-nine possible candidates in all.’

EXPERT: ‘ “Flex their muscles” is hardly an appropriate expression for the College of Cardinals and to “gang up” would be close so simony — coming to an arrangement — a crime punishable by excommunication.’

VIEWER: ‘What if a cardinal dies — I mean during the election? Or falls ill?’

EXPERT: ‘A death is extremely unlikely. And cardinals can still vote if they’re ill. At the moment three cardinals — so-called infirmarii — are in hospital. In separate rooms, of course. An assistant collects their votes …’

PRESENTER: ‘I have a question that is frequently asked. Does the Church expect a increase in numbers among non-hominids if an alien is elected pope?’

EXPERT: ‘Political considerations must not influence the election.’

VIEWER: ‘A supplementary question: Isn’t sending missionaries to alien beings a matter of politics?’

EXPERT: ‘It is done to the greater glory of God. And for no other reason.’

VIEWER: ‘Another supplementary: What about the bloody conversion of Xenidom, then? Tens of thousands —’

PRESENTER: ‘I think this is not the time, nor the place to go into that unfortunate episode. There has already been sufficient … and anyway, it happened two hundred years ago … Today’s topic is the papal election.’

VIEWER: ‘Why are we never informed about the voting?’

EXPERT: ‘The answer is quite simple. It is a secret ballot. The procedure is as follows:

After the voting slips have been publicly counted, they are attached along a piece of string, the ends of which are knotted, and the bundle is placed in a casket. As soon as the election process has produced a result, the voting slips for all the ballots are burnt. It is a tradition going back over a thousand years.’

VIEWER: ‘How can a fish fill out a voting slip? I find it hard to imagine …’

EXPERT: ‘The aquatic life forms of Aquarius have sonar methods of communication which a special piece of equipment can translate into written characters … and folding the slip twice and dropping it into the urn is done by a servo system. You can see how it works in this piece of film —’

A holocube appeared on the viewers’ screen showing a survival tank filled with water in which there was a shimmering, fishlike being, no less grotesque in its shape than the creatures inhabiting earthly waters. It looked at the camera and seemed to speak. Its fish mouth moved in time with its gills.

PRESENTER: ‘That is the Aquarian ambassador, His Excellency Wua-hu-ua, at a meeting of the Universal Worlds Organization. He is addressing the general assembly by means of his trumpet crest. The mouth is solely used to take in food, which is done constantly.’

VIEWER: ‘What about written records. With the results of the individual ballots?’

EXPERT: ‘They are placed in a sealed envelope, which is handed to the new pope. There are no other written records. Taking notes or any kind of record is forbidden. No instruments or technical devices for that purpose are allowed.’

PRESENTER: ‘What you must know is that the Sistine Chapel is hermetically sealed off from the outside world. It is protected against any kind of bugging. Internally and externally. They are completely incommunicado.

VIEWER: ‘What about the … er … robots? The androids? I mean what about RO 2314 — Cardinal Jean Baptiste — and the other three? They don’t need notes to remember everything. Do you call that incom … incomado? They remember everything!’

EXPERT: ‘My friend, you are underestimating the wisdom and honesty of the Catholic Church. These candidates have, of course, loaded a program which deletes, with an appropriate time delay, all data relating to the results. Even among us humans there are people with remarkable memory capacity, not to mention aliens. They are all instructed as far as possible to delete this information from their memories. — Does that answer your question?’

VIEWER: ‘Yeah … well, I dunno … When I think about it … a robot … I mean, it’s fine to see these things working where humans can’t get to or it’s too dangerous, they’re really useful … but as pope? Do we really need that?’

PRESENTER: ‘These “things” as you call them have human rights — have had them for ages! And souls! Please show some restraint — and some respect. One of them might be our spiritual leader one day …’

VIEWER: ‘God forbid!’

PRESENTER: ‘And to the next question. And what can it be but the question everyone’s been asking for weeks: who are the favorites? Here are the latest results of an opinion poll.’

Again holocubes appeared, three this time, presenting the leading candidates with pictures taken earlier. Over their heads in all three cubes furiously rotating columns of figures showed the latest result of the survey.

Cardinal Lucius DiMaggio had a clear lead. As if he knew, when the picture was taken some years previously, that it would be shown to billions of paying customers during the next papal election, his round face was positively glowing with an expression of understanding and deep humility, as if he had just seen God. As always, his head was tilted back, on the folds of fat round his neck, so that he appeared to be looking up to the heavens. The ring of silver hair round his bald pate shone like a halo in the spotlight. His hands were not crossed over his breast in the folds of his sleeves but held out a little to either side, as if he were receiving a blessing from on high — or welcoming his flock from all over the worlds.

What a man! A worthy successor to St Peter on earth and in the starry firmament.

Compared with him the other two cardinals paled — almost literally. The one is second place was a dignified man of God with an earnest expression, who already seemed to have passed the summit of his career. The third was an adaptant hominid from one of those superheavy planets in which people didn’t ask how tall someone was, but how wide. But just a minute! The projected image faded and for fractions of a second disappeared behind a reptilian being in crimson robes, Cardinal Rarr’Arr-Sstiss’Iss (which means ‘Rarr with the third eye’), from Dinoptia, the third planet of the sun Altair. He represented the most numerous alien race.

Among the also-rans was a further alien, a four-armed Cerberan, not dissimilar to humans, and a former Miss Galaxy who had changed from a frail sister to a Mother Theresa, swapping her frilly lingerie for the habit. Among hominids she was still very marketable as an advertising icon.

‘You mustn’t forget this is purely a survey among our audience, it is in no way representative of opinion among the clergy. It’s more of a … errm … popularity rating,’ the presenter hastened to add. He made a point of leaving the mini portrait of the female candidate showing a little longer. ‘Right then. Have there been any further questions in the meantime?’ He consulted a screen.

‘Ah, a lady for a change — at least, I assume I’m right …’ The presenter appeared to be visited by sudden doubts. In recent times a person’s sex had not always been immediately evident, emancipation having blurred the differences.

‘You are quite correct,’ came the somewhat tart reply. ‘A woman, a she if you’ve no objection. Like the Maid of Orleans. Female, even if it’s not that obvious.’

‘Yes, yes, of course,’ he said, furious with himself at his faux pas. ‘Your question is?’

‘Why do you always talk of cardinals as men? Conveniently forgetting some of them are women. And why do you all behave as if Pope Joan[2] had never existed?’

PRESENTER: ‘But, madam, that’s just a legend. The darkest Middle Ages.’

VIEWER: ‘Precisely!’ There was a look of triumph on her face.

EXPERT ‘Pope Joan is an invention of malicious reformers. There is no documentary evidence, none at all.’

VIEWER: ‘As you said: the darkest Middle Ages. Everything swept under the carpet. Erased. The documents destroyed.’

PRESENTER: ‘But, madam, this is all pure supposition . . .’

VIEWER: ‘And what about the chair test?’

PRESENTER: ‘Chair test?’ A helpless look at the expert.

EXPERT: ‘The sella stercoraria. A chair with a hole in the seat on which the chosen candidate had to sit so that his genitals could be examined to prove his manhood. But the procedure was abolished in the middle of the last millennium.’

VIEWER: ‘So we did once have a popess! I said …’

PRESENTER: I think we should return to the present election.’ A glance at the monitor. ‘Oh, this looks interesting. Can we get the caller on the line?’

‘Hello.’ A multifunction robot, all naked steel, no syntho-tegument, materialized in the projection field.

PRESENTER: ‘Good afternoon. This Markus Mannheimer, UNN. Your question?’

ROBOT VIEWER: ‘Why is there no robot among the top ten?’

PRESENTER: ‘Why do you think there should be one?’

VIEWER: ‘We are the second largest minority. If you add the so-called intelligent tools we have a clear majority.’

PRESENTER: ‘What do our experts have to say?’

EXPERT: ‘Well, there are differing views on that. Whether the fact that an intelligent tool is, broadly speaking, an artificial intelligence means that it has a soul is a controversial matter among theologians. The Roman Catholic Church at least makes a clear distinction. It is the same as that between beings endowed with reason and animals driven by behavior. But leaving that aside, what counts in not quantity, but quality —’

VIEWER: ‘Are you saying that robots are inferior?’ The steel ‘face’ studded with sensors did not permit any expression of emotion, but its voice had a strange modulation — and definitely sounded offended.

EXPERT: ‘Of course not. Please forgive me if I have hurt your feelings … I just meant … It is spiritual, not material strength that counts — not the number of faithful in a species, but …’

PRESENTER: ‘No one can deny the spiritual strength of our mechanical brethren,’ he declared, springing to the aid of the faltering expert. ‘They have done great things. You only have to think of Bonifax …’

‘… who was canonized, and quite rightly so.’ The expert grabbed the lifeline, having recovered his composure. ‘Saint Boniface died a martyr’s death in the uprising of the enslaved automata on Mechanistria. He preferred to be brainwashed and sent for scrap rather than renounce the faith that had guided him in his struggle for liberation.’

VIEWER: ‘Jean-Paul Baptiste is no less a being.’

PRESENTER: ‘Yes indeed. I think this is the moment to show, for all our mechanical and electronic co-religionists, a brief portrait of that charismatic preacher.’

A man with flowing locks and beard appeared in the holocube, one hand outstretched, the other holding a Bible. His appearance and posture recalled the image of Moses on Mount Sinai with the Tables of stone as seen by painters in the olden days.

Constructed during the pontificate of Pius XIV, he had spent over two hundred years traveling from planet to planet in the early period of exploration, spreading the word of God. He was considered the most important preacher since Abraham a Sancta Clara[3]; in recognition of his services Pope Benedict XVII had made him first a bishop, then a cardinal.

PRESENTER: ‘With that we return to your questions …’

‘You are tuned in to UNN. This is Markus Mannheimer. It is November 1st in the year of our Lord 2866. The sky over the Holy City is a resplendent blue — let us hope that is a good omen.

‘It feels as if the decision is in the air, there’s a real crackle of tension. The thousands of the faithful here in St Peter’s Square must have sensed it as well. Instead of going home for the night, most of them stayed here — many engrossed in prayer or singing devout hymns — so as not to miss the great moment when the new pope is elected.

‘After the twenty-ninth and thirtieth ballots were inconclusive we can only hope that the College of Cardinals has decided on a new procedure: election by a simple majority. They have the right to do that after thirty ballots, but of course we cannot know for certain that they have taken this … yes, this drastic course.

‘But times change and procedures must change with them. We are at a turning point in the history of the Church, the first time a non-human has been a candidate. And — ladies forgive me — also, I hasten to add, a female of the human race.

‘What is likely to happen?

‘Assuming all our prayers are answered, in roughly an hour’s time white smoke will come out of the chimney. That will, of course, mean that a new pope has been elected and that he — or, of course, she or it — has accepted. Then the new pope is asked what name he intends to assume. After the cardinals have pledged their obedience and a prayer of thanks has been said, the senior cardinal deacon announces — with the words Habemus papam — the name of the new pope to the waiting multitude. The latter will then appear on the balcony of St Peter’s and deliver his apostolic blessing urbi et orbi et universi.

‘Which means “to the city and to the world and to the universe” ’

‘Yes viewers — all over the world and all over the universe — the decisive moment is at hand. From the clock I can see that the ballot must already have taken place. Do we have a new pope — or a popess … or of whatever sex — you can never really tell with aliens — Is that smoke I can see? Or is it just an optical illusion, a mira—

‘Yes, yes! It is smoke — white smoke! I can see it quite clearly, white smoke. We have a new pope! A popess — whatever.

‘You must excuse me, I have to shout to be heard above the crowd. Everyone’s going wild with excitement, it’s an eruption of relief, unbridled jubilation …

‘And now someone’s come onto the balcony. Is that the new pope? — No, of course not. He’s going to tell us who’s won … er, who’s been elected.

‘The uproar in the crowd is dying down as a reverent silence spreads over the square. I’ll have to speak more quietly now, I hope you can hear — just turn up the sound. I’m almost whispering. Is that OK?

‘Well now you’ll be able to hear it for yourselves. The cardinal deacon is stepping forward, a witness on either side, he’s unrolling a scroll …’

‘Habemus papam.’

‘Thunderous applause. What a sight. Christendom is going wild. — You’ll have to switch the sound down or your ear drums — or whatever — will burst.

‘Ah, look, there is some movement among the cardinals. Soon the new pope will step out onto the balcony. Which of these resplendent figures will we see? Is that a gleam, like something in a water tank? Or like scales … or a bald head? I can’t quite see. Where’s the telescope, dammit?

‘The crowd has frozen. Absolute silence for the cardinal deacon to announce the name of the new pontifex maximus.’

‘John Paul III.’

‘Who can it be? Not a woman, that much is certain. But just a minute, isn’t it obvious. Or have I got it completely wrong?

‘Yes, yes — what a brilliant compromise. What a wise decision! Nothing could better express the universal character of the Holy Apostolic Church than this choice. The pope is infallible, isn’t he? But to err is human. Did not God the Creator give us humans and all other beings the gift of developing his creation? Who better, then, to guide us on His unfathomable ways over the coming centuries than …

‘… Jean-Paul Baptiste!

‘But … but … that’s not … or is it? Is he setting an example? Of universal equality and brotherhood? Independent of phenotype?

‘Oh, look, he’s even removed his human integument!’

Excerpt from the Annals of Church History 3900 AD

Pope John Paul III, original name Jean-Paul Baptiste, number 2X-550502-Z of the RO-2314 series, produced by Universal Robotics on Luna in 2577, was elected pope on 11.1.2866. His pontificate, which lasted until 8.8.3042, when he fell victim to a system crash, was one of the longest and most productive. Better than anyone before him, he succeeded in integrating alien religions and was responsible for the New Apostolic Constitution, according to which a hominid, a robot and an alien take the office of spiritual leader of the Universal Catholic Church in turn. He was sanctified by Pope Rra’Kkorra Innocence I in 3128.

Helmuth W. Mommers, born in Vienna in 1943, was as writer, illustrator, translator, literary agent and editor of groundbreaking science fiction anthologies one of the first allrounders of the German science fiction scene. After a break of 36 years and a successful business career he returned to his old passion as one of the co-founders of Nova, editor of the renowned anthology series Visionen and author of more than thirty new short stories, some of them collected in his book Sex, Love, Cyberspace. He was repeatedly nominated for the Kurd Lasswitz Preis and the Deutsche Science Fiction Preis (German Science Fiction Award) and received a Kurd Lasswitz Preis in the special category for his engagement for German science fiction stories. Translations of his stories have been published in the USA, Japan, France, Italy, Spain, Croatia, Greece and Russia.